i love life

i'm honestly really happy i don't blog [i hate that word] ahem journal online very much. i searched the other day for the place that opened next door to my work and ended up at the 23-year-old manager's blog, learning of her drunken adventures and sexcapes. yeah maybe, don't name your employer so it doesn't show up in search engines dumb dumb. anywhooooo this is the last week of classes for my last year of high school, and i'm extremely excited. a new thing i've done everyday this week though it shouldn't be rewarded, i know, is i've left 5th period early. it's not really allowed but i think everyone just looks the other way, because really, what's the point? finals are over, there's nothing left to learn. and really, i hate my 5th period class so the fact that i get to leave it to go in my car and do other things is an amazing feeling. it has put me in such a good mood that i can't stop smiling. this is a great time.
i've also started a happy book, like erin's, and so far i have 318 entries. the very first day i started, i had about 200. other things at the moment that make me happy [besides the boy i like, because that would be embarassing to reveal it here] :


weezer

the grand canyon is really amazing!

the giving tree! i'm the tree for our play!

Machu Picchu! and the whole peru trip, my first plane ride and first experience with using my bright green luggage. leave in 15 dayzzz!

and 318 other things, found in my happy book. i'm really having the time of my life right now. everyone, i hope you live your life.

a secret

secret #1 : not so much a secret because it involves telling people things. at work i tell customers that our competitor's store smells weird. truthfully it does, but i realize it's not nice to do.

secret #2 : i'm extremely hard on myself about things. i probably wrote a similar post or it might've been in my real journal, i don't know. but i've made a huge effort in God knows how many years to be nicer, less judgemental to people. just eliminate fighting as much as possible. if someone screws up and apologizes a million times, i'm there telling them 'no problem' 'its no big deal' 'de nada.' but when it comes to things i mess up on...i get so upset, and angry. i really don't know why. take for example when i failed my driving test the first time, which is a situation where only you affect your success or failure, i safely made it home [it was raining and i was crying], my dad went in the house and i stayed in my car for about 40 minutes. the whole time, i screamed, and cried so hard. "you're so stupid! God, we prayed that i would pass this! how could this happen?! who fails their driving test?! EVERYONE GETS IT! YOU'RE SO STUPID!" horrible things like that over and over. the second time, i tried to avoid that so i got on my bike and headed to the top of the santa rosa trail in wildwood. people were the last thing i wanted to run into, and that's who i found. luckily it was no one i knew, a bunch of old people, but at times like that, i don't want to even pretend to be nice. and today, my mood has again been strongly affected by my own screw-ups. today, i realized, was the last day to take math and english assessments for moorpark, something i of course have put off. i first thought it wasn't working but it was just our security blockers. once i got through that i tried to use the pin number they sent me. that didn't work, so after 3 tries i saw on the side the page said i had to come into the school and talk to the people at the front desk. this was at 4:00, and moorpark offices close at 3:30. i drove over there anyway [cursing like a sailor], to find no one that could help me. the whole ride home the only time i opened my mouth was to include the f-word relating to anything going on on the freeway or streets. so now, i have to wait until monday to go to moorpark and figure out the assessment thing. of course sunday [that's the day before monday] is the last day to finish those and upon completion be eligable for early registration. and because there's so many freshman, classes fill up fast and i'll be stuck in crappy classes [i don't even know which i have to take]. more than likely with my horrible luck, i'll be stuck with people from my school who are also lazy and i can't stand. i'm trying to get ahead in college and already i've fallen behind, and i haven't graduated yet. and it's all my fault, so i'm extremely angry with myself. my head hurts immensely. although i know it'll blow over and i'll accept the situation, i've failed on something i've waited for for so long. and my dad will be so pissed cause he can't tell his friends that i did early registration like they recommended. i hate life right now.

secret #3 : i gossip too much, more than i should.
secret #4 : i got a girl at my work in trouble and i was happy about it.
secret #5 : i don't think i know enough about God and the Bible to educate others on it, and i think i'm too dumb to absorb all the information people might ask me questions about.
secret #6 : i mostly want to graduate college so i can create a better life. better might be the wrong word because it implies arrogance, but just a happier one would be nice.

secrets aren't all they're cracked up to be.

improper undergarments

well I'm leaving for outdoor school in 1 week, and when i got home from a Peru meeting tonight, i had a [i think] great idea. basically if you know me, you know i get annoyed by screeching little girls, or over-sexed youngn's. i dunno, I've always acted older than i am so maybe they're just acting their age. but definitely in the last decade, girls have been growing up faster and faster. i remember i was at Claire's in the mall for some reason and there was a girl no older than 9 wearing uhm...undergarments meant for older women. it's not right.
and so to do my little bit to hopefully positively influence these 6th graders for 5 days, I've decided to make a little card/thing they can put on their wall. I've been picking up card stock or scrapbookng ideas from Andy [i actually don't know what to classify it as..cool cards?] so I'll have their name on the front, all spiffy, and inside each I'll have something like 'Laura's tips for adolescence survival (and beyond!)' and just put little things that they can look at if they're having the inevitable troubles of growing up. my friend made me a card for my 16th birthday, which for some reason was a crappy day. it's creative and has all this positive stuff on it, so now whenever i look at it, it really helps. and so by being their counselor, sharing how i live my life, being nice and sincere, and helping them remember all this through the cards, i hope something good will come out of it. if only at least they decide against doing something stupid because of advice i give them.
really, the main reason i decided to post this was because I'm on my dad's part of the computer and i don't feel like saving cornball quotes to his documents. keep in mind, these will be arranged awesomely and creatively, so they won't look as pathetic as they might on this page. if you [faceless reader] have any to add or want to criticize against some, be my guest.

In three words I can sum up everything that I learned about life, "It goes on." When the going gets tough, make yourself realize that no matter what your problem is, someone is and always will be fighting a harder battle.

Tears don't help problems and whining won't make things better. Have faith but understand that faith makes things possible, not easier. Have hope but understand without doing anything nothing gets done.

Be there when people need you, because in order to have friends you must first be one. Make the impossible, possible. Never give up! You only fail when you fail to try. Keep an open mind; you never know what you may learn.

Never compromise your standards for anyone, do it for you. Remember that laughter makes the world go round. Beware of the person who has nothing to lose, see through the problem to find the solution. Don't make promises that you can't keep. Keep in mind, those who gossip to you will gossip about you. Say only what you mean, and don't believe everything that you hear because some day the story will be about you.

Everyday is a gift, even if it sucks. Count your blessings, not your troubles. Never waste an opportunity to tell someone that you love them, because you never know what tomorrow has in store for you. Give people a second chance, because no one is perfect. Love all that you can, give all that you have, smile away your days, and dream away your nights.

Life, what a wonderful thing!
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Annie Dillard: How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.

Bertrand Russell: The good life is inspired by love and guided by knowledge.

Corita Kent: Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed.

Dorothy Thompson: Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live.

Elbert Hubbard: Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

George Eliot: What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?

Joan Baez: You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when. You can only decide how you're going to live. Now.

Norman Vincent Peale: Live your life and forget your age.

Oscar Wilde: To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.

Stephen Covey: Whatever is at the center of our life will be the source of our security, guidance, wisdom, and power.

Winston Churchill: We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.

Do everything. Love as much as you can. it may hurt but it helps us grow. Give all you have...you may be poor but you will be content. Always forgive....your heart can not afford not to. Teach what you know and learn what you don't. Stay open to all”

Once

I finished watching Once today (followed by a lifetime original movie, yikes), and I have to say although typical movie elements were missing, such as names, it was really good. I didn’t know how to describe the film until I went to special features and watch ‘making of a modern musical.’ It’s set in Ireland and shows the brief friend relationship of a guy, a Hoover repair man/troubadour and a girl who picks up jobs here and there while selling roses on the side. The main thing I noticed about it is how people in Ireland live, at least in the context of the movie. They walk mostly everywhere besides a few bus rides, the girl doesn’t have a home phone and neither have a cell phone, they both introduce each other to each other’s parents after just a few days, they become friends very fast, not even considering the other’s faults. There’s no yelling in the movie that I can remember… And it all just made me realize how congested life in Southern California is.
For the last few days I’ve been trying to imagine what growing up in small heartland towns would be like. Teenagers would probably learn how to work in whatever industry the area is known for and they’d live there all their life. Or they might be from a city atmosphere and have some options, but mostly what I can imagine is desk jobs. Here, roughly a half hour from LA, we’re used to technological advances and the best of the best. LA, along with New York, Japan, France, Bejing, or Paris are the largest cities in the world. My econ and APS teachers have each said that California has the 5th largest economy in the world,that our golden state could detach from America and be just fine with everything we have going on here. I still haven’t been able to fully grasp my mind around that. And here, we analyze the crap out of EVERYTHING. Just click on dr. phil, or hell, myspace. On myspace there’s a place for you to talk about yourself, your favorite music, movies, activities, books. All that is doing is picking apart our brains. Inspiration comes from a composite of all these things, and I think I’ve managed to put that in my room. But these internet dating sites, with people saying ‘we are similar in columns A, B, C, AND D’…it gets rid of chemistry, I think. Days are broken up into schedules, with “6-7: getting ready, 7-9: video production, 9-10: math, 10-11: English, 11-12: econ, 12-1:lunch, 1-6: work, 6-6:30 errands; 7-8: homework; 8-9: tv, 9-10: get ready for bed". When can we schedule in time to enjoy life? Of course I’m only 17 and most days I have about 8 hours of free time, but the earlier hours of my day I’m stuck at school, 3 of which hours I’m around people I just am beginning to not tolerate, and 2 where me and two of my friend have legitimate creepers (formerly known as stalkers.)
If I could do it, it being life, my way, there wouldn’t be so many schedules or clocks. There wouldn’t be penalties for being late, and every second of the day should be a moment to enjoy life. I’m not quite sure what I’m getting at here, because I know plenty of people that have fun in every situation and oh how I envy them, and am trying to be more delightful as them. But I feel I’ve put myself in to 3 hours of absolute seclusion that I hate, and only in those other 21 hours of any given day can I have an opportunity to be myself, which includes loving to interact. Maybe this goes out to the people I don’t make an effort to talk to, mostly because of sporadic, crippling shyness. But my God, I cannot wait to experience life as they have in Once, with no restrictions and compartmentalizing of ideas. Just pure brilliance, as ‘the guy’ says many times… I just wish I could’ve been that free for all of my life, rather than timid from the time I was little. Child development will be a fun class to see how that happens, why some kids are more outgoing than others. Or it could just be a major mind trip.
Oh, and these creepers are really freaking me out. I hate people that just stare at your when they are absolutely clueless on your repulsion of them. There’s several in my mass media class, but I guess that’s what me and the other 4 girls in the class get for being around AV nerds.
AND on another note, my art academy project was due last Thursday and I haven’t been able to concentrate on finishing it up and making it into a kick butt light box made from a stolen school locker. Hopefully I can work on it after bibble studay, at night when my mind is sharper.

Echoes

Well, I got my driver's license! And just in time, because if I hadn't gotten it, I would have more than likely gone mad. The first time I drove by myself I tried to go visit kimbriana estel at work, but she was off at her other job by then. So I just kept going down Moorpark, got to a light that said Camarillo 10 <- and off I went. It was probably one of the best times of my life. Such perfect was music playing, for some reason great KROQ reception, and the sun was up and heading down. It was just amazing. The next day I ran errands and almost got run over several times... but I’m fine. Wednesday I worked and tried to keep busy with cleaning tables and whatnot, but luckily Kareem and heather came in to paint some samples [alien head and mouse] and kept me busy. Some lady also came in and gave me a coupon for a really great deal at a salon. And I would give more details but you'd all probably think I’m a fool for taking it even though it really is a great deal. I don't have much to say... I’m still hating my classes even though people aren't outwardly mean or anything. I’m just kind of there like a bump on a log, constantly reminding myself either how many minutes left in class [despite my math inadequacies, I’m pretty quick at calculating time left in class] or thinking how college life is going to be so much better. But I still have however many days left. And I missed senior ditch day on Friday, so with most of my friends gone, I was just left like…whatever. Wow what an emo sentence. I dunno, I’m still trying to improve on procrastination and just being a lazy teenager, and using ‘and’ too much in my writing.

I’d always known that Fast Times at Ridgemont High was based on a book by Cameron Crowe, but never looked into it. So Saturday I did, and found that there were only 3,000 copies printed originally, and the cheapest I could find was a $100 one on amazon.com. I’m really considering getting it, or will just save up for when I have a larger income, or if they decide to reprint it. I just really want to read it so badly…

I get really annoyed by insincere people. People that will lie to your face and you can see it in their eyes, or behind your back and you just wish they’d told you the truth originally. And I can’t stand condescending people. There’s a girl I know that’s like that and she’s just always correcting me. She seems like the nicest person on the planet but the tone she’s always correcting me in just bugs me like a fly buzzing around me nonstop. Other people just thank her for being so nice and I just wonder why they can’t see through it. Maybe I’m wrong and she really is a genuinely nice person, but she just rubs me wrong and I can’t figure out why.

Well if anyone could read that proverbial chicken scratch, all the power to you, because I’m not even going back and reading it.


Listen: echoes, dar williams

school daze

I feel narcissistic when I journal. but there's always so much crap going on in my brain (and not enough when I need it.) Lately, I’ve been realizing how much I don't like certain classes. I mean, yes I’m always late to first period because I’m not a morning person but those two hours of video production are usually the best in the whole 5 hours I’m at school. And being happy 2/5 of the time isn't a great thing. I’m one of maybe 4 seniors in my math class, the rest being juniors or sophomores, and I was fine where I sat for the majority of the first semester, but now I’ve moved. To the back of the class. Where I’m tempted to fall asleep all day. I rarely talk in that class. Next is the 13 (yeah, 13) minute break where I get to see friends I don't have classes with but that gets over fast. Then there's English with a teacher that's finally good in that she knows what she's talking about and actually cares. But the class is full of loud mouthed tall lanky guys that just throw and talk crap all period. there's a few people in there that are alright but maybe I’m just to tired by that point to make any conversation (that's where the not having much go through my brain comes in). It’s like my mind goes blank and sentences can't be formed. Then it's to the last, horrible stretch of the day, Econ. It reminds me of my freshman year English class, but with double the people. Both are full of the stereotypical 'popular kids' that I could care less about. I mean, yes if they were to be killed in a car crash I wouldn't be laughing, but I just feel no motivation or want to interact with them. And I’d say those people make up about 80% of the class. The other 20% are the anime kinds of kids and I’m sure are perfectly nice, but I’ve just never talked to them. The semi-acquaintances I have in there are paired up and I’m the fifth wheel. So there I sit all period, right in front of mar. fairs, an awesome teacher, in class where I don't belong. I really think if I were in it just one class before I’d be having the time of my life. But it didn't work out that way, and I’m still struggling with making it work.
Lately I’ve gotten to point where several times a day I say to myself "I don't even care. I don't care what anyone thinks of Me." of course, within reason. I shower, I usually do something with my hair (although lately I’ve been wearing my many beanies and am in desperate need of a haircut), I don't wear revealing clothes, and all not to offend anyone. But I’m talking more so about my personality. when it comes to if people see me do something weird, from crack a joke and laugh my head off, to nodding off in class or just being too quiet, I don't worry about what they're saying about me. The only opinions that I care about are the ones of people I care about. and lately, school friends have been thinning out, what with signing up for classes that progress their interests and falling to peer pressure (if there was a thing to put peer pressure in fire-y, glowing colors like a CNN deco, I’d put it like that. like an epidemic).
And the people I feel closest are spread out, either in different grades, at different high schools, different colleges, and even out of college. I know, it all probably sounds pretty pathetic, but as much as I love TOHS and most people who attend there, I can't seem to get out there and associate with most of them. Maybe I’m a loser (baby, so why don't you kill Me. wow, horrible reference). Maybe I just know that some high school friends are just means of survival and most die out as people go off to college or other places. Maybe that was a very cynical sentence, but accurate nonetheless. I can't wait for this year to play itself out. Friday I’m getting my license- hopefully. Oh since I haven't posted since, well my last post, I failed that one on Jan 23. Raining, middle school finals. And I’ve never been harder on myself than that day- and I can finally go out and meet up with these scattered close friends, and go places to find people I can relate to. And being 18 will offer up so much more freedom. Possible of the wrong kind, but I’ll see on my own.

Basically. I’m one of those people who are probably more abundant than I can realize who doesn't totally fit in at school. But ultimately: whatever. Because I don't care what most of the student body thinks anyway. And although that sounds very immature, it’s the only way I can verbalize the sentiment.

veeerrrrrrroooooommmm

alright, let's try to figure this out.
my 6 month permit wait is over on the 19th, which just so happens to be the saturday the DMV is closed. it is also closed sundays [20] and monday is martin luther king, jr. day [21], and tuesday [22] i work. so wednesday. wednesday the 23rd is the day i become a legal driver. and i had the day all planned out. i'll get my license, drop my mom [or dad] back off at home, turn around, go up lynn into simi, eventually to simi mall [because i don't like freeways] get a sticker made for my car that looks like this:

and be on my merry old way to swing dance class, which i start tommorrow.

but today my plan is in danger of change. i go into work only to discover i don't work today and the schedule was changed without warning last friday. instead, i work friday 1-5 and of course, next wednesday the 23rd, 3-7. i've already told the boss numerous times about this day, not to mention my availability says no wednesdays because that's the day i schedule tutoring. so i left a note for her that says i can try to come in if no one else can make it.
then i call my drivers training place because i finally got my schedule together to see everything i have going on, and i schedule myself for saturday 5:15-7:15 [and at this very moment i remember that i have babysitting at the church at 7.. crapola. hopefully other people can help out so my 15 minutes doesn't make everything crash.]
anyway, safety first says its good to spread out the lessons by at least 2 weeks. i have less than a week to cram in 5 hours. since i have to meet there on saturday i hope i can explain the situation and get in hours sunday [which i now have to work at 12, according to the new schedule] and monday...if they're open monday.


this just all sucks. my mom's having surgery tommorrow so i pretty much can't get any rides from her, and getting my license in a week would really help everyone out. and of course, it's definately my fault because i spaced the lessons out to much. so now i'm cramming, and it's hard.

well now i have to email my job shadow person, email my internship people and apologize for being too busy to get ahold of them and work on my hours, research my art project -ugh- and try not to freak out...

i want school to be over so bad. then again, people in other countries would love public education. i just have to suck it up and stop being lazy.

peace out girl scouts.