Why do people refer to a beeline when they're talking about darting straight ahead when really a beeline is all over the place? That’s how I feel a lot of my posts are, just a jumbled mix of thoughts in no particular order. And of course, their whole purpose is to serve the queen bee. Uh I meant that as a joke but now it kind of relates to what I was going to start out with.
I think...A major flaw of mine is how self-centered I can be. I loathe how many times I start sentences with 'I' or 'me', things like that. Although I feel like maybe half the time I'm putting others before me, the other half I'm just focused on me, and not in perhaps the correct way. It’s hard to explain. Like when I'm not outgoing, it's self-protection. sometimes I have no clue what to say or am afraid of saying the wrong thing so I wait for an opportunity to interject an own experience. I hate when I catch myself asking someone a question just so that I get it asked back and I can tell a story. It relates to something Courtney said in Peru, the school drama teacher said people interact just to let others know you're alive. While I don't think that's the only reason people talk to one another, it is a valid point. I believe that's what I do too often. I hate that because I'm scared of not knowing what to say at times, or when my mind just goes blank, people might get the wrong impression of me. I think I've come a long way from solely concentrating on what people think of me to being fine with myself so that I can focus on others. That sounds totally opposite from my original point, but like I said it's difficult to explain...
I've been back for almost a week, and now have realized my job situation to be categorized as 'laid off.' what I didn't know is that I think it was Wednesday or Thursday of last week and my mom got officially fired from her job. And though my dad was thrilled to tell me he was at a new, smaller office furniture dealership, he didn't mention how he was apparently without a job for about a month. It scares me that this is such a common theme in our family. I understand, it was while school was dwindling down for me, and with graduation he didn't want to upset me.. But it really bugs me how closed off our whole family is. When we finally do open up, it's typically in the form of yelling. How many times a day do you say "When I have kids, I'll never do _______." How many times did our parents say that and go against it?
Even like my post before this, about how I want to do missionary work with my life.. That's the first time I've actually said it in some form, besides in semi-threatening ways. I remember the summer after sophomore year, I had to go to a high school photo workshop I was given a scholarship to instead of the New Orleans trip because I had agreed to the photo one first. I think I yelled, through tears, “Well what if I want to be a missionary? How will I know unless I go on this trip?” Something like that. I think it seriously shocked my parents. Then at a dinner in Peru, I was sitting next to Jim and he asked if I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I was still stuck between video production and missionary stuff. When he said something like “You know who else didn’t know what they wanted to do? Toll-Booth workers.” I again blurted out being in the missionary field as what I was leaning towards. I even said I would love to do the kind of thing mike is doing. But I should’ve known better to go there…
Sorry, my thoughts are making a beeline.
But that last paragraph was an exhaustive example of how I can’t really tell my family the big things I think about, and how I really hope to not be like that when I have kids. This, more than likely, will not happen when I’m young, as I do not plan on getting married young. Just because I’m in the church and that seems to be a common thing, doesn’t necessarily mean that’s the path I want or will take. Sorry. Anyway.
I’ve been back for 6 days. The day I returned I went on a hike in Wildwood because that just seemed like a normal thing to do. It was strange to return to my car, and not walk everywhere. When I was in Wildwood, the change in landscape from beautiful mountains and matching roofs in Cusco to nature interrupted by houses that try to out-do each other crawled under my skin. When I found a good place to sit and catch up on journaling, flies wouldn’t leave me alone. I couldn’t enjoy the scenery because in front of me was a table with profanities carved into it, and I could only hear self-indulgent conversations of housewives making their way up the hill. I decided to leave, and in doing so I passed the women with a nod and a Hi. They just kept walking right by me. I started getting so annoyed with all these contrasting differences but mostly chalked it up to lack of sleep. The rest of the days I’ve been back I’ve been filling out job applications and think I’ve found a good match in Ritz camera. It’s honestly not a first choice mainly because it’s in the mall which I loathe right not but at least I’ll get a discount. My main fear is not being able to help a customer, or that I may give someone pictures that are ruined somehow. [Both are complaints I read about the store on yahoo! Local. Yipes.] And for the most part besides job applications and cleaning out my closet, I’ve been sleeping. Yeah. It’s pretty sad. At least last Wednesday I signed up to be a big sister for Big Brothers Big Sisters of Ventura County. With the holiday weekend it’s been hard to arrange a day to meet with a case worker but after my Ritz interview tomorrow I’ll call over.
Ok, I should stop here…
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::……: [horrible attempt at a beeline]
