school daze

I feel narcissistic when I journal. but there's always so much crap going on in my brain (and not enough when I need it.) Lately, I’ve been realizing how much I don't like certain classes. I mean, yes I’m always late to first period because I’m not a morning person but those two hours of video production are usually the best in the whole 5 hours I’m at school. And being happy 2/5 of the time isn't a great thing. I’m one of maybe 4 seniors in my math class, the rest being juniors or sophomores, and I was fine where I sat for the majority of the first semester, but now I’ve moved. To the back of the class. Where I’m tempted to fall asleep all day. I rarely talk in that class. Next is the 13 (yeah, 13) minute break where I get to see friends I don't have classes with but that gets over fast. Then there's English with a teacher that's finally good in that she knows what she's talking about and actually cares. But the class is full of loud mouthed tall lanky guys that just throw and talk crap all period. there's a few people in there that are alright but maybe I’m just to tired by that point to make any conversation (that's where the not having much go through my brain comes in). It’s like my mind goes blank and sentences can't be formed. Then it's to the last, horrible stretch of the day, Econ. It reminds me of my freshman year English class, but with double the people. Both are full of the stereotypical 'popular kids' that I could care less about. I mean, yes if they were to be killed in a car crash I wouldn't be laughing, but I just feel no motivation or want to interact with them. And I’d say those people make up about 80% of the class. The other 20% are the anime kinds of kids and I’m sure are perfectly nice, but I’ve just never talked to them. The semi-acquaintances I have in there are paired up and I’m the fifth wheel. So there I sit all period, right in front of mar. fairs, an awesome teacher, in class where I don't belong. I really think if I were in it just one class before I’d be having the time of my life. But it didn't work out that way, and I’m still struggling with making it work.
Lately I’ve gotten to point where several times a day I say to myself "I don't even care. I don't care what anyone thinks of Me." of course, within reason. I shower, I usually do something with my hair (although lately I’ve been wearing my many beanies and am in desperate need of a haircut), I don't wear revealing clothes, and all not to offend anyone. But I’m talking more so about my personality. when it comes to if people see me do something weird, from crack a joke and laugh my head off, to nodding off in class or just being too quiet, I don't worry about what they're saying about me. The only opinions that I care about are the ones of people I care about. and lately, school friends have been thinning out, what with signing up for classes that progress their interests and falling to peer pressure (if there was a thing to put peer pressure in fire-y, glowing colors like a CNN deco, I’d put it like that. like an epidemic).
And the people I feel closest are spread out, either in different grades, at different high schools, different colleges, and even out of college. I know, it all probably sounds pretty pathetic, but as much as I love TOHS and most people who attend there, I can't seem to get out there and associate with most of them. Maybe I’m a loser (baby, so why don't you kill Me. wow, horrible reference). Maybe I just know that some high school friends are just means of survival and most die out as people go off to college or other places. Maybe that was a very cynical sentence, but accurate nonetheless. I can't wait for this year to play itself out. Friday I’m getting my license- hopefully. Oh since I haven't posted since, well my last post, I failed that one on Jan 23. Raining, middle school finals. And I’ve never been harder on myself than that day- and I can finally go out and meet up with these scattered close friends, and go places to find people I can relate to. And being 18 will offer up so much more freedom. Possible of the wrong kind, but I’ll see on my own.

Basically. I’m one of those people who are probably more abundant than I can realize who doesn't totally fit in at school. But ultimately: whatever. Because I don't care what most of the student body thinks anyway. And although that sounds very immature, it’s the only way I can verbalize the sentiment.