a secret

secret #1 : not so much a secret because it involves telling people things. at work i tell customers that our competitor's store smells weird. truthfully it does, but i realize it's not nice to do.

secret #2 : i'm extremely hard on myself about things. i probably wrote a similar post or it might've been in my real journal, i don't know. but i've made a huge effort in God knows how many years to be nicer, less judgemental to people. just eliminate fighting as much as possible. if someone screws up and apologizes a million times, i'm there telling them 'no problem' 'its no big deal' 'de nada.' but when it comes to things i mess up on...i get so upset, and angry. i really don't know why. take for example when i failed my driving test the first time, which is a situation where only you affect your success or failure, i safely made it home [it was raining and i was crying], my dad went in the house and i stayed in my car for about 40 minutes. the whole time, i screamed, and cried so hard. "you're so stupid! God, we prayed that i would pass this! how could this happen?! who fails their driving test?! EVERYONE GETS IT! YOU'RE SO STUPID!" horrible things like that over and over. the second time, i tried to avoid that so i got on my bike and headed to the top of the santa rosa trail in wildwood. people were the last thing i wanted to run into, and that's who i found. luckily it was no one i knew, a bunch of old people, but at times like that, i don't want to even pretend to be nice. and today, my mood has again been strongly affected by my own screw-ups. today, i realized, was the last day to take math and english assessments for moorpark, something i of course have put off. i first thought it wasn't working but it was just our security blockers. once i got through that i tried to use the pin number they sent me. that didn't work, so after 3 tries i saw on the side the page said i had to come into the school and talk to the people at the front desk. this was at 4:00, and moorpark offices close at 3:30. i drove over there anyway [cursing like a sailor], to find no one that could help me. the whole ride home the only time i opened my mouth was to include the f-word relating to anything going on on the freeway or streets. so now, i have to wait until monday to go to moorpark and figure out the assessment thing. of course sunday [that's the day before monday] is the last day to finish those and upon completion be eligable for early registration. and because there's so many freshman, classes fill up fast and i'll be stuck in crappy classes [i don't even know which i have to take]. more than likely with my horrible luck, i'll be stuck with people from my school who are also lazy and i can't stand. i'm trying to get ahead in college and already i've fallen behind, and i haven't graduated yet. and it's all my fault, so i'm extremely angry with myself. my head hurts immensely. although i know it'll blow over and i'll accept the situation, i've failed on something i've waited for for so long. and my dad will be so pissed cause he can't tell his friends that i did early registration like they recommended. i hate life right now.

secret #3 : i gossip too much, more than i should.
secret #4 : i got a girl at my work in trouble and i was happy about it.
secret #5 : i don't think i know enough about God and the Bible to educate others on it, and i think i'm too dumb to absorb all the information people might ask me questions about.
secret #6 : i mostly want to graduate college so i can create a better life. better might be the wrong word because it implies arrogance, but just a happier one would be nice.

secrets aren't all they're cracked up to be.