if i had to put an overall feel on life right now, I'd have to say it's going pretty well. i love all my classes at moorpark. i could be taking more, i could study more. it's nice for now. after a summer of unemployment and job mess ups, I've found a niche that works. my friend Lindsay recommended me to a family and the family to me for a babysitting job. after meeting them once, they gave me a key to the house and now i pick up the kids 3 days a week. the 10 year old girl and 7 year old boy are so friendly and funny that the 4 hours I'm there fly right by. I'm amazed at how active they are, unlike so many kids. the family is in Oak Park, among so many huge house with 3 car garages, but they're really nice people. i honestly feel really blessed for just circumstances and knowing people that lead you to other things. six degrees of separation, i suppose.
at the same time, yesterday was an emotional day in the friend department. i can't get too detailed about either situation, so apologies for the over usage of they/them/their. one friend may be really sick, and when they brought up the big 'C', luckily i was wearing sunglasses because i started crying. i stopped that soon because i didn't want to make them sad, and soon we moved on to other subject. but it's scary, and it hurts my heart to know it's even getting close to that. that it's even a possibility. please pray hard. later that evening, i got a phone call from another friend that moved away in early august. we hadn't talked and out of boredom one day, i was perusing old myspace bulletins and saw they had voluntarily checked themselves into treatment. it was a worst fear, last possible wish for that friend. still, i can't even describe how happy i was to hear their voice on the phone, to just know that they're...here. my friend described the situation to me and said anytime they were feeling sad, they would look at a present I'd given them for Christmas and start laughing hard. just goes to show that you can never underestimate the power of a gift. the phone conversation made me cry, again. sucked too because i had to depart from a s'mores get-together at Courtney's house... I'm hanging out with my friend when they get back, and it's going to take work, so any help or advise (definitely prayer) is greatly welcomed. life, through any given day and any interaction can take you down a different path. it could be a conversation with a waiter at Denny's, a psychic at the gas station, or just new people that you meet through others. so pay attention, and don't things lightly, yet don't over analyze... uh erm I'm probably just talking to myself here.
sorry if the tone of this came off as sad. it's just serious and worrisome. life is still beautiful and even recently times when I'm sick or upset, somehow i still thank God. he and i are bonding, me and friends he's introducing me to. Andy's having a creative day Saturday and i could pee my pants, I'm so excited. and good news people, it ends at 6 when there's still light outside, so this time i won't end up in Van Nuys, having to call kyle to find my way home! new friends want to come to Marty's college group, which will be fun. i love when people can be friends with others immediately, when they're open to new situations. not that there's anything wrong with being private. i love all types of people! i also like when parties die down, allowing real interactions to occur, night swimming, laughter, and talks about the universe.
countdown to new season of the office : 20 days!
Friday, September 5, 2008
Sunday, August 17, 2008
replacement
Right now, my house smells like massive amounts of Simply Green cleaner. This is because we are currently getting a new stove installed. The old one finally melted some essential piece due to its being here for 20+ years. So management decided it was time for a new one. Two weeks earlier, my dad installed a new shower head that can move vertically. I was at Alyssa's house when my dad text me about this, and she seemed confused as to why I was so excited about this. I explained that the old one had been too short for even my mom, who's the shortest in the family, and that water pressure had always been low. Showers that previously took 30 minutes now take 10. The upgrading of these basic luxuries make me thrilled. Yet it seems like everything is getting replaced.
I start Moorpark community college tomorrow. High school is being replaced with college. A half-mile course to school is replaced with a 10 mile, 15 minute drive. I’ll still be seeing a lot of familiar faces, though most are ones I thought I’d never see (or want to see, honestly) again after graduation. I want a fresh start and it's mildly crushing that I won't get that because I restrain myself around people that I’ve known too long but I’ve never connected with. Kim did tell me that her first year, she found herself talking with old schoolmates that she never encountered before. Only time will tell if that's the course for me, and if I can sustain being here for 2 more years.
After Moorpark, I hope to move to Seattle for Seattle Pacific University. There have been many signs lately that it's a good place for me to go. Yes, most people I tell this to inform me of the weather and the suicide rates and Kurt Cobain, yadayadayada. That used to be my view on the city as well. The more I look into it, the more beautiful appears. I’m really tired of the same weather all the time in Thousand Oaks, and when we only get rain instead of snow. And as much as I love unpredictability, what was up with it raining for 20 minutes on Thursday? That night, there was a lightening and thunderstorm, which I had never seen occur without being accompanied with rain.
I hope to also visit Minnesota [Minnehhsoda!] where my new friends hail from. The weather there seems to be diverse as well, and the 4 Coon Rapids kids that I got to spend 3 days with are amazingly friendly, so that puts a good impression of it on my mind. I know no place is perfect, and I hope to live in many places through out the course of my life. I just hope I don’t go crazy here waiting for that opportunity to arrive.
coon rapids + thousand oaks friends forever
I start Moorpark community college tomorrow. High school is being replaced with college. A half-mile course to school is replaced with a 10 mile, 15 minute drive. I’ll still be seeing a lot of familiar faces, though most are ones I thought I’d never see (or want to see, honestly) again after graduation. I want a fresh start and it's mildly crushing that I won't get that because I restrain myself around people that I’ve known too long but I’ve never connected with. Kim did tell me that her first year, she found herself talking with old schoolmates that she never encountered before. Only time will tell if that's the course for me, and if I can sustain being here for 2 more years.
After Moorpark, I hope to move to Seattle for Seattle Pacific University. There have been many signs lately that it's a good place for me to go. Yes, most people I tell this to inform me of the weather and the suicide rates and Kurt Cobain, yadayadayada. That used to be my view on the city as well. The more I look into it, the more beautiful appears. I’m really tired of the same weather all the time in Thousand Oaks, and when we only get rain instead of snow. And as much as I love unpredictability, what was up with it raining for 20 minutes on Thursday? That night, there was a lightening and thunderstorm, which I had never seen occur without being accompanied with rain.
I hope to also visit Minnesota [Minnehhsoda!] where my new friends hail from. The weather there seems to be diverse as well, and the 4 Coon Rapids kids that I got to spend 3 days with are amazingly friendly, so that puts a good impression of it on my mind. I know no place is perfect, and I hope to live in many places through out the course of my life. I just hope I don’t go crazy here waiting for that opportunity to arrive.
coon rapids + thousand oaks friends forever
Thursday, August 7, 2008
UV
i finally have a job! the outfit it atrocious, some old people are rude, but for the most part it's alright. after a month of doing nothing, it feels weird to be working again. it's a lot more than at the ceramics place but i like being busy.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
The Irresistible Revolution: Living as an Ordinary Radical
not totally sure why the sidebar font is so small...strange.
The Irresistible Revolution: Living as an Ordinary Radical by Shane Claiborne is a really great book. Mostly he details examples of how he's shown love to God by showing love to His people, to everyone. I'm in the early stages of the book but I just read the part of how he contacted Mother Teresa on the phone [after receiving the sacred number from Mother Superior from the Bronx] and asked if he could help in Calcutta for a summer. I'm just really.. inspired by how young he is and how he's done so many great things. It makes me anxious as I sit around, trying to save money while unemployed by not driving places, making my own meals instead of buying, trying to contact the lady in charge of hiring, and waiting for college to begin on August 18. It feels like I'm waiting for something big to begin.
It makes me doubt if I should even pursue college [my dad's foot in my conscience always punts that notion out] when all I really want to do is go somewhere where I can help people out. I know that charity begins at home, and I'm trying to find opportunities around here but this is a fancy schmancy area. Poverty is still everywhere and just last night I recognized a man that I've seen at Feed My Sheep before, that Jim once bought lunch for; he was using the restroom at In N Out. I desperately wanted to buy him a meal. But I couldn't. When I was driving with friends to Venice [another pointless souvenir & polyester extravaganza franchise juxtaposed to abstract graffiti art on the West Coast] I saw a lady lying on the side walk. It took me a minute to realize she was on a sleeping mat with a sleeping bag scrunched up at the end. I wanted to bust out of the cramped van and help her out. But I couldn't. I'm tired of the "couldn't"s and want to make them into "so I did anyways."
Anyway, read The Irresistible Revolution.
The Irresistible Revolution: Living as an Ordinary Radical by Shane Claiborne is a really great book. Mostly he details examples of how he's shown love to God by showing love to His people, to everyone. I'm in the early stages of the book but I just read the part of how he contacted Mother Teresa on the phone [after receiving the sacred number from Mother Superior from the Bronx] and asked if he could help in Calcutta for a summer. I'm just really.. inspired by how young he is and how he's done so many great things. It makes me anxious as I sit around, trying to save money while unemployed by not driving places, making my own meals instead of buying, trying to contact the lady in charge of hiring, and waiting for college to begin on August 18. It feels like I'm waiting for something big to begin.
It makes me doubt if I should even pursue college [my dad's foot in my conscience always punts that notion out] when all I really want to do is go somewhere where I can help people out. I know that charity begins at home, and I'm trying to find opportunities around here but this is a fancy schmancy area. Poverty is still everywhere and just last night I recognized a man that I've seen at Feed My Sheep before, that Jim once bought lunch for; he was using the restroom at In N Out. I desperately wanted to buy him a meal. But I couldn't. When I was driving with friends to Venice [another pointless souvenir & polyester extravaganza franchise juxtaposed to abstract graffiti art on the West Coast] I saw a lady lying on the side walk. It took me a minute to realize she was on a sleeping mat with a sleeping bag scrunched up at the end. I wanted to bust out of the cramped van and help her out. But I couldn't. I'm tired of the "couldn't"s and want to make them into "so I did anyways."
Anyway, read The Irresistible Revolution.
Monday, July 7, 2008
a beeline
Why do people refer to a beeline when they're talking about darting straight ahead when really a beeline is all over the place? That’s how I feel a lot of my posts are, just a jumbled mix of thoughts in no particular order. And of course, their whole purpose is to serve the queen bee. Uh I meant that as a joke but now it kind of relates to what I was going to start out with.
I think...A major flaw of mine is how self-centered I can be. I loathe how many times I start sentences with 'I' or 'me', things like that. Although I feel like maybe half the time I'm putting others before me, the other half I'm just focused on me, and not in perhaps the correct way. It’s hard to explain. Like when I'm not outgoing, it's self-protection. sometimes I have no clue what to say or am afraid of saying the wrong thing so I wait for an opportunity to interject an own experience. I hate when I catch myself asking someone a question just so that I get it asked back and I can tell a story. It relates to something Courtney said in Peru, the school drama teacher said people interact just to let others know you're alive. While I don't think that's the only reason people talk to one another, it is a valid point. I believe that's what I do too often. I hate that because I'm scared of not knowing what to say at times, or when my mind just goes blank, people might get the wrong impression of me. I think I've come a long way from solely concentrating on what people think of me to being fine with myself so that I can focus on others. That sounds totally opposite from my original point, but like I said it's difficult to explain...
I've been back for almost a week, and now have realized my job situation to be categorized as 'laid off.' what I didn't know is that I think it was Wednesday or Thursday of last week and my mom got officially fired from her job. And though my dad was thrilled to tell me he was at a new, smaller office furniture dealership, he didn't mention how he was apparently without a job for about a month. It scares me that this is such a common theme in our family. I understand, it was while school was dwindling down for me, and with graduation he didn't want to upset me.. But it really bugs me how closed off our whole family is. When we finally do open up, it's typically in the form of yelling. How many times a day do you say "When I have kids, I'll never do _______." How many times did our parents say that and go against it?
Even like my post before this, about how I want to do missionary work with my life.. That's the first time I've actually said it in some form, besides in semi-threatening ways. I remember the summer after sophomore year, I had to go to a high school photo workshop I was given a scholarship to instead of the New Orleans trip because I had agreed to the photo one first. I think I yelled, through tears, “Well what if I want to be a missionary? How will I know unless I go on this trip?” Something like that. I think it seriously shocked my parents. Then at a dinner in Peru, I was sitting next to Jim and he asked if I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I was still stuck between video production and missionary stuff. When he said something like “You know who else didn’t know what they wanted to do? Toll-Booth workers.” I again blurted out being in the missionary field as what I was leaning towards. I even said I would love to do the kind of thing mike is doing. But I should’ve known better to go there…
Sorry, my thoughts are making a beeline.
But that last paragraph was an exhaustive example of how I can’t really tell my family the big things I think about, and how I really hope to not be like that when I have kids. This, more than likely, will not happen when I’m young, as I do not plan on getting married young. Just because I’m in the church and that seems to be a common thing, doesn’t necessarily mean that’s the path I want or will take. Sorry. Anyway.
I’ve been back for 6 days. The day I returned I went on a hike in Wildwood because that just seemed like a normal thing to do. It was strange to return to my car, and not walk everywhere. When I was in Wildwood, the change in landscape from beautiful mountains and matching roofs in Cusco to nature interrupted by houses that try to out-do each other crawled under my skin. When I found a good place to sit and catch up on journaling, flies wouldn’t leave me alone. I couldn’t enjoy the scenery because in front of me was a table with profanities carved into it, and I could only hear self-indulgent conversations of housewives making their way up the hill. I decided to leave, and in doing so I passed the women with a nod and a Hi. They just kept walking right by me. I started getting so annoyed with all these contrasting differences but mostly chalked it up to lack of sleep. The rest of the days I’ve been back I’ve been filling out job applications and think I’ve found a good match in Ritz camera. It’s honestly not a first choice mainly because it’s in the mall which I loathe right not but at least I’ll get a discount. My main fear is not being able to help a customer, or that I may give someone pictures that are ruined somehow. [Both are complaints I read about the store on yahoo! Local. Yipes.] And for the most part besides job applications and cleaning out my closet, I’ve been sleeping. Yeah. It’s pretty sad. At least last Wednesday I signed up to be a big sister for Big Brothers Big Sisters of Ventura County. With the holiday weekend it’s been hard to arrange a day to meet with a case worker but after my Ritz interview tomorrow I’ll call over.
Ok, I should stop here…
:… .:
:……...:: .:
::……: [horrible attempt at a beeline]
I think...A major flaw of mine is how self-centered I can be. I loathe how many times I start sentences with 'I' or 'me', things like that. Although I feel like maybe half the time I'm putting others before me, the other half I'm just focused on me, and not in perhaps the correct way. It’s hard to explain. Like when I'm not outgoing, it's self-protection. sometimes I have no clue what to say or am afraid of saying the wrong thing so I wait for an opportunity to interject an own experience. I hate when I catch myself asking someone a question just so that I get it asked back and I can tell a story. It relates to something Courtney said in Peru, the school drama teacher said people interact just to let others know you're alive. While I don't think that's the only reason people talk to one another, it is a valid point. I believe that's what I do too often. I hate that because I'm scared of not knowing what to say at times, or when my mind just goes blank, people might get the wrong impression of me. I think I've come a long way from solely concentrating on what people think of me to being fine with myself so that I can focus on others. That sounds totally opposite from my original point, but like I said it's difficult to explain...
I've been back for almost a week, and now have realized my job situation to be categorized as 'laid off.' what I didn't know is that I think it was Wednesday or Thursday of last week and my mom got officially fired from her job. And though my dad was thrilled to tell me he was at a new, smaller office furniture dealership, he didn't mention how he was apparently without a job for about a month. It scares me that this is such a common theme in our family. I understand, it was while school was dwindling down for me, and with graduation he didn't want to upset me.. But it really bugs me how closed off our whole family is. When we finally do open up, it's typically in the form of yelling. How many times a day do you say "When I have kids, I'll never do _______." How many times did our parents say that and go against it?
Even like my post before this, about how I want to do missionary work with my life.. That's the first time I've actually said it in some form, besides in semi-threatening ways. I remember the summer after sophomore year, I had to go to a high school photo workshop I was given a scholarship to instead of the New Orleans trip because I had agreed to the photo one first. I think I yelled, through tears, “Well what if I want to be a missionary? How will I know unless I go on this trip?” Something like that. I think it seriously shocked my parents. Then at a dinner in Peru, I was sitting next to Jim and he asked if I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I was still stuck between video production and missionary stuff. When he said something like “You know who else didn’t know what they wanted to do? Toll-Booth workers.” I again blurted out being in the missionary field as what I was leaning towards. I even said I would love to do the kind of thing mike is doing. But I should’ve known better to go there…
Sorry, my thoughts are making a beeline.
But that last paragraph was an exhaustive example of how I can’t really tell my family the big things I think about, and how I really hope to not be like that when I have kids. This, more than likely, will not happen when I’m young, as I do not plan on getting married young. Just because I’m in the church and that seems to be a common thing, doesn’t necessarily mean that’s the path I want or will take. Sorry. Anyway.
I’ve been back for 6 days. The day I returned I went on a hike in Wildwood because that just seemed like a normal thing to do. It was strange to return to my car, and not walk everywhere. When I was in Wildwood, the change in landscape from beautiful mountains and matching roofs in Cusco to nature interrupted by houses that try to out-do each other crawled under my skin. When I found a good place to sit and catch up on journaling, flies wouldn’t leave me alone. I couldn’t enjoy the scenery because in front of me was a table with profanities carved into it, and I could only hear self-indulgent conversations of housewives making their way up the hill. I decided to leave, and in doing so I passed the women with a nod and a Hi. They just kept walking right by me. I started getting so annoyed with all these contrasting differences but mostly chalked it up to lack of sleep. The rest of the days I’ve been back I’ve been filling out job applications and think I’ve found a good match in Ritz camera. It’s honestly not a first choice mainly because it’s in the mall which I loathe right not but at least I’ll get a discount. My main fear is not being able to help a customer, or that I may give someone pictures that are ruined somehow. [Both are complaints I read about the store on yahoo! Local. Yipes.] And for the most part besides job applications and cleaning out my closet, I’ve been sleeping. Yeah. It’s pretty sad. At least last Wednesday I signed up to be a big sister for Big Brothers Big Sisters of Ventura County. With the holiday weekend it’s been hard to arrange a day to meet with a case worker but after my Ritz interview tomorrow I’ll call over.
Ok, I should stop here…
:… .:
:……...:: .:
::……: [horrible attempt at a beeline]
Saturday, July 5, 2008
ideally,
how my life would go:
first, i would get a job at either uv or ritz camera, where i can work a lot and put away a lot of money. concurrently i would attend moorpark to save money and knock out those AA requirements. while doing my 2 years, i'd take graphic design as a pre-req for silk screening. when i take that, i make multiple copies of my yellow shirt, which is destined to become a urban outfitters flash in a pan, earning me lots of money. i would also take classes at Art Center College of Design because that's one place you can actually go for instruction rather that just trying to get through it like most college crap is. dependant on the amount of money from the shirt venture, i would transfer to either APU, Hope University, Seattle Pacific University, or some school where i can do art stuff with religious studies. hopefully i'll have other amazing t-shirt ideas or do company instruction videos on the side of a day job, earning money money money. then by about 25 i would divide my time between doing missionary work in peru/chile, africa, dominican republic, or other places that catch my heart. for vacations i'd help rebuilding areas destroyed by hurricane katriana, which probably won't be complete by 2015. there's a lot of places in need and i don't know if i can reach all of what i hope to. at some point i'll get married and whatnot, and raise kids that get to experience a lot of great things in the world and see things that will make us all grateful to be alive, while never ending our world perspective.
that's what i've been thinking of lately.
i'm banking a lot on the t-shirt idea but hey, i titled this 'ideally' so that's my optimisic approach to how i want my life to go.
first, i would get a job at either uv or ritz camera, where i can work a lot and put away a lot of money. concurrently i would attend moorpark to save money and knock out those AA requirements. while doing my 2 years, i'd take graphic design as a pre-req for silk screening. when i take that, i make multiple copies of my yellow shirt, which is destined to become a urban outfitters flash in a pan, earning me lots of money. i would also take classes at Art Center College of Design because that's one place you can actually go for instruction rather that just trying to get through it like most college crap is. dependant on the amount of money from the shirt venture, i would transfer to either APU, Hope University, Seattle Pacific University, or some school where i can do art stuff with religious studies. hopefully i'll have other amazing t-shirt ideas or do company instruction videos on the side of a day job, earning money money money. then by about 25 i would divide my time between doing missionary work in peru/chile, africa, dominican republic, or other places that catch my heart. for vacations i'd help rebuilding areas destroyed by hurricane katriana, which probably won't be complete by 2015. there's a lot of places in need and i don't know if i can reach all of what i hope to. at some point i'll get married and whatnot, and raise kids that get to experience a lot of great things in the world and see things that will make us all grateful to be alive, while never ending our world perspective.
that's what i've been thinking of lately.
i'm banking a lot on the t-shirt idea but hey, i titled this 'ideally' so that's my optimisic approach to how i want my life to go.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
i love life
i'm honestly really happy i don't blog [i hate that word] ahem journal online very much. i searched the other day for the place that opened next door to my work and ended up at the 23-year-old manager's blog, learning of her drunken adventures and sexcapes. yeah maybe, don't name your employer so it doesn't show up in search engines dumb dumb. anywhooooo this is the last week of classes for my last year of high school, and i'm extremely excited. a new thing i've done everyday this week though it shouldn't be rewarded, i know, is i've left 5th period early. it's not really allowed but i think everyone just looks the other way, because really, what's the point? finals are over, there's nothing left to learn. and really, i hate my 5th period class so the fact that i get to leave it to go in my car and do other things is an amazing feeling. it has put me in such a good mood that i can't stop smiling. this is a great time.
i've also started a happy book, like erin's, and so far i have 318 entries. the very first day i started, i had about 200. other things at the moment that make me happy [besides the boy i like, because that would be embarassing to reveal it here] :
weezer
the grand canyon is really amazing!
the giving tree! i'm the tree for our play!
Machu Picchu! and the whole peru trip, my first plane ride and first experience with using my bright green luggage. leave in 15 dayzzz!
and 318 other things, found in my happy book. i'm really having the time of my life right now. everyone, i hope you live your life.
i've also started a happy book, like erin's, and so far i have 318 entries. the very first day i started, i had about 200. other things at the moment that make me happy [besides the boy i like, because that would be embarassing to reveal it here] :
weezer
the grand canyon is really amazing!
the giving tree! i'm the tree for our play!
Machu Picchu! and the whole peru trip, my first plane ride and first experience with using my bright green luggage. leave in 15 dayzzz!
and 318 other things, found in my happy book. i'm really having the time of my life right now. everyone, i hope you live your life.
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