school daze

I feel narcissistic when I journal. but there's always so much crap going on in my brain (and not enough when I need it.) Lately, I’ve been realizing how much I don't like certain classes. I mean, yes I’m always late to first period because I’m not a morning person but those two hours of video production are usually the best in the whole 5 hours I’m at school. And being happy 2/5 of the time isn't a great thing. I’m one of maybe 4 seniors in my math class, the rest being juniors or sophomores, and I was fine where I sat for the majority of the first semester, but now I’ve moved. To the back of the class. Where I’m tempted to fall asleep all day. I rarely talk in that class. Next is the 13 (yeah, 13) minute break where I get to see friends I don't have classes with but that gets over fast. Then there's English with a teacher that's finally good in that she knows what she's talking about and actually cares. But the class is full of loud mouthed tall lanky guys that just throw and talk crap all period. there's a few people in there that are alright but maybe I’m just to tired by that point to make any conversation (that's where the not having much go through my brain comes in). It’s like my mind goes blank and sentences can't be formed. Then it's to the last, horrible stretch of the day, Econ. It reminds me of my freshman year English class, but with double the people. Both are full of the stereotypical 'popular kids' that I could care less about. I mean, yes if they were to be killed in a car crash I wouldn't be laughing, but I just feel no motivation or want to interact with them. And I’d say those people make up about 80% of the class. The other 20% are the anime kinds of kids and I’m sure are perfectly nice, but I’ve just never talked to them. The semi-acquaintances I have in there are paired up and I’m the fifth wheel. So there I sit all period, right in front of mar. fairs, an awesome teacher, in class where I don't belong. I really think if I were in it just one class before I’d be having the time of my life. But it didn't work out that way, and I’m still struggling with making it work.
Lately I’ve gotten to point where several times a day I say to myself "I don't even care. I don't care what anyone thinks of Me." of course, within reason. I shower, I usually do something with my hair (although lately I’ve been wearing my many beanies and am in desperate need of a haircut), I don't wear revealing clothes, and all not to offend anyone. But I’m talking more so about my personality. when it comes to if people see me do something weird, from crack a joke and laugh my head off, to nodding off in class or just being too quiet, I don't worry about what they're saying about me. The only opinions that I care about are the ones of people I care about. and lately, school friends have been thinning out, what with signing up for classes that progress their interests and falling to peer pressure (if there was a thing to put peer pressure in fire-y, glowing colors like a CNN deco, I’d put it like that. like an epidemic).
And the people I feel closest are spread out, either in different grades, at different high schools, different colleges, and even out of college. I know, it all probably sounds pretty pathetic, but as much as I love TOHS and most people who attend there, I can't seem to get out there and associate with most of them. Maybe I’m a loser (baby, so why don't you kill Me. wow, horrible reference). Maybe I just know that some high school friends are just means of survival and most die out as people go off to college or other places. Maybe that was a very cynical sentence, but accurate nonetheless. I can't wait for this year to play itself out. Friday I’m getting my license- hopefully. Oh since I haven't posted since, well my last post, I failed that one on Jan 23. Raining, middle school finals. And I’ve never been harder on myself than that day- and I can finally go out and meet up with these scattered close friends, and go places to find people I can relate to. And being 18 will offer up so much more freedom. Possible of the wrong kind, but I’ll see on my own.

Basically. I’m one of those people who are probably more abundant than I can realize who doesn't totally fit in at school. But ultimately: whatever. Because I don't care what most of the student body thinks anyway. And although that sounds very immature, it’s the only way I can verbalize the sentiment.

veeerrrrrrroooooommmm

alright, let's try to figure this out.
my 6 month permit wait is over on the 19th, which just so happens to be the saturday the DMV is closed. it is also closed sundays [20] and monday is martin luther king, jr. day [21], and tuesday [22] i work. so wednesday. wednesday the 23rd is the day i become a legal driver. and i had the day all planned out. i'll get my license, drop my mom [or dad] back off at home, turn around, go up lynn into simi, eventually to simi mall [because i don't like freeways] get a sticker made for my car that looks like this:

and be on my merry old way to swing dance class, which i start tommorrow.

but today my plan is in danger of change. i go into work only to discover i don't work today and the schedule was changed without warning last friday. instead, i work friday 1-5 and of course, next wednesday the 23rd, 3-7. i've already told the boss numerous times about this day, not to mention my availability says no wednesdays because that's the day i schedule tutoring. so i left a note for her that says i can try to come in if no one else can make it.
then i call my drivers training place because i finally got my schedule together to see everything i have going on, and i schedule myself for saturday 5:15-7:15 [and at this very moment i remember that i have babysitting at the church at 7.. crapola. hopefully other people can help out so my 15 minutes doesn't make everything crash.]
anyway, safety first says its good to spread out the lessons by at least 2 weeks. i have less than a week to cram in 5 hours. since i have to meet there on saturday i hope i can explain the situation and get in hours sunday [which i now have to work at 12, according to the new schedule] and monday...if they're open monday.


this just all sucks. my mom's having surgery tommorrow so i pretty much can't get any rides from her, and getting my license in a week would really help everyone out. and of course, it's definately my fault because i spaced the lessons out to much. so now i'm cramming, and it's hard.

well now i have to email my job shadow person, email my internship people and apologize for being too busy to get ahold of them and work on my hours, research my art project -ugh- and try not to freak out...

i want school to be over so bad. then again, people in other countries would love public education. i just have to suck it up and stop being lazy.

peace out girl scouts.

Abracadabra

i'm trying to figure out scholarship info for my trip to europe [austria germany italy greece] but i cannot find my acceptance letter that holds the key to me logging into People to People's OnBoard site. it's really frustrating when i can't remember pass words, or find paper among all this mess that might help out, or when i'm too lazy to do anything about it. i need motivation...but i'm just very tired after being sick unti 2 last night [after a very eventful night involving Juno and drving around the oaks parking lot at the nighttime twelve with security following close behind]


still needing to call work. still having to pull it my art academy project together. but all i'm wanting to do is fly to every imaginable place in the world because they all have something more exciting going on than sitting here, writing this.

Buon Natale

murry christmas e'erbuddy.

Global Scale Issues

so...yeah. welcome to my blogger.
i still have no idea have to use this.


main thing driving me crazy at the moment: my art academy project. due in february. i can't decide if that is a lot of time or hardly any. on one hand, i could be researching it now instead of doubt the topic 'I' *cough my father cough* have chosen. i'm too scared to even approach it because of what people might think of it, and too scared to even reveal it on this brand spanking new blog.

maybe soon i will, but let's just say it relates to a movie called An Inconvenient Truth or Convenient Fiction? http://www.aconvenientfiction.com/